did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
