Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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