You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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