I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
