Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
