Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The best revenge is premature balding
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
