my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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