Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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