She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize