Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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