So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
