I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
this beer tastes like vomit already
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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