she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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