speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
