Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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