I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
