Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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