i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
