I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
