I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize