Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
