God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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