I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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