here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
