Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
