The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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