everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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