bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
