In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
