I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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