you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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