i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
