I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
