he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize