Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
