I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
