someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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