His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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