Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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