Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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