I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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