how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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