the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Everclear isn't food dammit
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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