never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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