The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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