'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
