I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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