What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize