There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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