Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
