Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
