she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
