i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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