Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
