I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
