a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
