he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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