i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Couch. On fire.
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