If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
