Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
