I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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