My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
