Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
