Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
