So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
