I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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